When everything turns to shit

Within the last week, my boyfriend broke up with me without giving me a reason, work has gone to even more pot, I’m making $0 money, I thought I might be homeless soon, and I had to find a home for Peanut. Some adventure this has been.
I moved down here for this supposedly wonderful work opportunity. I didn’t want to stay in Shreveport, I knew I needed to relocate, so I chose a place close to people I love, close to the now ex boyfriend, and a place where I should’ve been successful. I’m a fucking bartender on Bourbon st for God’s sake. I should be making bank.
Instead, I am now very much alone here in a job that has turned out to be absolute, unbelievable bull shit, with absolutely no profit to speak of. And I don’t even have my dog anymore to comfort me, much less the boyfriend, ya know the man i kinda thought i might marry oneday? Yeah him. Did I mention all of this has happened a week before my birthday?
I know everyone says to stay positive and typically that’s what I preach as well, but this time is different. I am almost always a firm believer that if you are positive then you will bring more positivity to your life. Things will change for the better. For some reason though, every single damn thing I have been super positive and happy about, has gone to utter hell.
Maybe I should change my way of thinking here. Maybe there’s something about New Orleans where everything is opposite here. Positivity brings bad things and negativity brings good. God knows but at this point I don’t have it in me to be positive right now anyway. So negativity… You can have me. At least for a little while.
I don’t want to be this way but damn. My heart is broken, my spirit is stepped on, and I’m too broke to even go look for a way to have fun and forget about it.
I’m not trying to get pity by writing this. I’m not looking for answers, I’m not looking for a way out. I just need to let this out. Writing is about the only thing I have near me that makes me feel even remotely like myself, although I did lose my temper on some people last night and that felt pretty good too.
And while I might want to drive to Lafayette and shake the shit out of a certain 40 yr old man that I loathe and love at the same time, or go drink myself into a stupor, or eat everything in sight, pick up and move back to Shreveport or across the country, I won’t. I will sit right here by myself and find my strength again. That girl I used to be. That strong, independent, confident girl. Whether I have to be positive, negative, in between, or whatever… I will not let this put me so far down.
In the meantime, while I’m working on all of that, I will be sleeping all day on my couch… And maybe gorging on pizza and cookies…….. And popcorn.

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