Work here they said…. It will be fun they said

Well guys! I did it. I wrote recently about integrity and I truly found mine again. Never in my life have I walked out of a job, much less during a shift. I physically could not bring myself to stand in that place for another second.
When The AGM is stealing from fellow employees, the GM is blasting employees and calling them trash, and I’m getting called in every day on my off days to deal with their fuck ups, it’s time to go.
I feel amazing. I walked out. I walked to a bar and I was hired within an hour. I started today and it was awesome. I had fun. I didn’t want to kill anyone, and I actually made money for the first time in months! Liberating to say the least!
The fact I showed courage prompted another manager to walk out right behind me. That felt good too to know I wasn’t alone.
I never needed validation in my decision. I knew it was right for me. It still feels good to know somebody else felt the same and I could inspire them to stand up for themselves as well.
Not only that but I’ve found out today that more then half the staff might be following my footsteps within the week.
I’m sure that the GM and AGM will treat me like they have all of their other ex employees and call me names and ban me from property. I have no desire to step foot back there. It’s quite alright with me. I would never donate any more of my time or money to a place like that anyway.
So lets ring in the new year with happiness and know that the bridges we burn should be ones we choose. I’ve let so many bad things and bad people out of my life lately I feel like dancing in the street!!! Go me! New year! New goals!

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Notebooks

I collect them. I always have. I used to put stickers all over them. They started out as journals when I was little. It was a little before the age of facebook and blogs. Now I have about 7 of them that have fragments of stories, some have fragments of the same stories, some are still journals, and some are both.

I don’t put stickers on them anymore, although I might start that again now that I’m thinking of it. Now, I usually just get random ones that all look entirely different. I have a green one with paisley elephants all over it, one that looks covered in tapestry, a leather bound one with a fold over close, a couple of smaller ones, a silver one from a friend, and I have a black spiral bound one. The black one is what prompted this.

I am a pretty social person and I have people over all the time. For one reason or another. Not so much in groups anymore as one on one. People that need to talk, or advice, or their cards read. (I do that too by the way) This black notebook lives on my coffee table pretty much all the time and as I flip through it I realize how many people have written in it besides me.

It started out as a notebook designed specifically for a piece of fiction I’ve been working on. There are roughly 7 or 8 chapters written in it. There are also numerous little love letters or notes, a couple of poems, some stuff pertaining to a friend’s (or 2) cards, a couple of hastily jotted down songs, wal-mart lists, thank yous, you name it. It’s funny how something designed for one purpose turned quickly into an all around outlet for many people in many different ways.

Kind of like us. Everyone thinks that they are here for a purpose. One purpose or perhaps a couple, and of course to find happiness in that purpose. But along the way we are used. We are used by other people for their own purposes and a lot of times they benefit our own. But sometimes they do not. Sometimes it is solely for their own purposes, their own benefits, their own desires. Sometimes it’s necessary for them. Sometimes it’s just for fun. Sometimes it’s an outlet.

Perhaps our purposes here are not our own and not for ourselves but for others. Even if it hurts us or harms us. Even if there is no obvious benefit to us, our pages are still being filled. It may seem selfish in the fact that we think we should be filling our own pages, not being filled for others by others. Regardless though. My notebooks hold it all. Hopes, dreams, heartaches, love…so much love, and a lot of hurt. But with all of that, a lot of life. A lot of spirit.

My black notebook is still being filled. It’s still turning in to this very basic outline of life. People that are close to me are filling it with things for themselves and things meant only for me, like the notes they leave behind for me to find BECAUSE they are close to me. And because they are close to me they feel comfortable filling it.  I think that’s the key.

Don’t let ones that don’t matter fill your pages. Let them be filled by the people we love. The ones who do matter. Even if they only matter for a little while. We can still look back and whatever they changed or “wrote down,” whatever pages they filled in our lives, leave us a reminder of who and what they touched. They leave us lessons and memories to look back over.

We will always have wasted pages in our lives. People that don’t matter always take up some space, even if we don’t want them to. Those are the pages we rip out and toss in the trash. The clutter.

So keep your notebooks clean and keep your pages open to your own pen and also the pens of the people that matter. Even if somebody else is helping to write your story, at least it’s being written.

Integrity

Integrity. There’s a word for ya. It’s been popping up a lot lately. A lot the last few months but especially the last few days.

I’ve been in some unique positions and situations this year. Since my last post, that guy that brought me flowers all the time turned out to be great…and not so great. Communication issues are one thing but I don’t think that would nearly sum it up.  I still care for him very much and I learned a lot about myself in the short time we were a thing and for that I am grateful.  We are attempting to maintain a friendship. We work together so it’s easy to laugh and joke and hopefully lines won’t get confused. I already think it will be a problem though. Not necessarily on my end.  For me it is done.

I mentioned in my last post that I was back down to one job and had extra time on my hands now. The last part of that statement is now completely null and void. I was shortly thereafter promoted to manager. I took a huge pay cut to add about %200 more stress to my life.  I have almost no free time at all now. Sir Jack Skellington Pickles is quite mad at me for never being home.

Also, that ex of mine that broke up with me without giving me a reason is somewhat back in the picture. I have a lot of reservations still. And I know that they are justified. Not just reservations about him but serious ones about myself as well. He has since given me a reason and while it made sense, it could’ve been solved with one conversation. A part of me still feels very disrespected that I wasn’t afforded that conversation until 2 months after the fact.  I know him enough though that I understand why. I also recognize his honesty now. We seem to have reached a new level of honesty and openness. It’s quite nice.

With all of this going on, I’ve had a couple of different people talk to me about the people they think they should be, or feel like they have to be. Or even wonder if they want to be. It shouldn’t be a question in my opinion. Why is it about what you should be? Why can’t it be simply the person you aim to be? If you don’t want to be a certain way then don’t. If you don’t want to be a bad man and you know what’s making you that way, then stop. Why is this such a difficult concept?

In the same breath I’ve turned around and looked at my own integrity. I sacrificed a lot of it when I was forced to quit my job in favor of the other. In no scenario should that ever be ok. It shouldn’t have been a choice. Perhaps I should’ve just walked out. Especially when the other job was very kind to me to even give me the opportunity. They are still kind to me and yet I chose finances over what I felt in my heart. I chose the one that I made more money at, even though it killed me to do so.

Now I am in a position where if nothing else I am learning a lot. I have to look at integrity from a different angle now. If I walked away today or tomorrow then I would be throwing away so much hard work and loyalty. I’d be throwing away effort and stress and goals. Things I’ve worked hard for. And I would also be acknowledging that I threw away a part of myself for something that wasn’t worth it. So for now I will try and hang on and make it worth it.

I did receive a hell of an apology for the job thing. I don’t think I’ve ever been apologized like that in my entire life and it was appreciated.  That said, I’ve been put in situations where I could tell a decent and good person the truth and in turn risk losing my job, or I could lie and let this good person be blind sided over something they had no control over. I chose the right choice this time. I don’t regret it. And should I face consequences for doing the right thing, then at least I have my integrity in this situation and there will truly be no hard feelings from my end.

I think things get confusing when people start fucking with their own integrity and also the integrity of others. It doesn’t bring you power or make your reputation better. It hurts people and that’s what people tend to remember. When we fuck with our own, poor decision making ensues. It’s a cycle. We make it so bad on ourselves that we eventually wake up and we are lost to ourselves and to the world.

I know I’ve made decent decisions lately when it comes to my employment. Now if I can figure out my personal life I’ll be in better shape. I don’t want to fall back in to what is comfortable and familiar just because it is those things. Even if feelings are still very much involved, I need to stay true to me. The only thing I can do is take it day by day and figure it out.

I literally have nothing to lose by continuing to keep myself and my integrity in tact. That’s what so many people fail to realize. If you gain something materialistic or monetarily, but sacrificed too much of yourself to do so, then you still lost. If you lost something materialistic or monetarily, but keep who you are close to your heart, then you didn’t need whatever you ended up losing. It’s not worth it. It never is. We have to live with ourselves and the people that love us do too. So be who ever you want to be for you. Not because you feel like you have to.