Forgive? How?

So it’s very hard for me to write this but I feel it’s necessary.

Forgiveness has come up a lot for me lately, in conversation, in my own emotional turmoil, in conversations I’ve overheard, in movies, in tv,  on pinterest, facebook,  you name it. It’s really had my mind reeling. I know I need to.  There’s alot I need to forgive. I guess it’s only been recently that I’ve realized how much my NOT forgiving has affected me. There’s a saying that holding on to hatred is like taking poison yourself and expecting the ants to die. There’s truth to that.

For me I’m at the point where I feel like NOT forgiving is still giving power to the people or person I need to forgive. A power over me because I am still letting it affect my life. And I believe that. By dwelling on things in the past and dwelling on the hatred and then in turn making certain decisions I’ve made I’m empowering them. If somebody did something horrible to me, then by letting it affect me, then ultimately they are winning. What right do they have to do that to me? It seems very unfair.

It seems even more unfair that my only options are to stay angry, and stay hurt, justifiably, and let it affect me, or forgive them and absolve them of responsibility and any wrong doing, and move forward? How is that fair? And how the hell do I wrap my mind around that? That those are my only options? And honestly they are my only options.

I have thought time and time again that I am passed it. That it no longer affects me. That it has had no bearing in my life over all. I was wrong though. I see now some of the patterns it’s caused. I see now the patterns in my decision making process. I see now just how much I have been and still am affected. It’s not fair. How can somebody take that much power over another human being? Over their life? Over their personality? Over their strength? Unfair. So unfair. And so hurtful. And it only makes me angry. I cannot say it enough. I feel very cheated. It’s something I’ve never allowed myself to feel before. But I see now that I do in fact feel very cheated.

I feel cheated out of fearlessness. I feel very cheated that I can’t seem to hold a normal relationship. I feel very cheated in the fact that I always feel restless and it’s hard for me to be happy and accept happiness because I wait for the bottom to fall out. I feel cheated because I have trust issues. I feel cheated because I have intimacy issues, and I don’t mean just physical ones.  I feel very cheated because I can’t live in the moment and just live. I feel cheated that I can’t listen to idiots tell mindless jokes and I can’t laugh because they’re offensive to me. It’s cost me friendships. It’s cost me relationships with family. It’s cost me perspective. It’s cost me adventure. What else will I allow this take from me?

I can’t continue this way. I need to change. I need to learn to forgive. I need to learn how to though. I need to understand how it’s possible. How can I begin to forgive somebody when they  had no issue doing what they did. And continued to do long after life.

I guess the first step is understanding. I guess I need to understand the process before I can implement it. I need to know that it is possible. That it can be done. And that I can do it.

I also need to do a better job of identifying what it has affected. I never would allow myself to because that was admitting to a certain level of defeat. I was refusing to believe or at least acknowledge that it had affected me at all. I didn’t want to give power to it in any form. I didn’t want to admit to defeat in any degree. But maybe being strong and winning the war is admitting to losing certain battles. I always thought they were battles within myself but again, I was wrong. That’s another thing. I don’t like admitting when I’m wrong. I have been though. I’ve been very wrong.

I kept so much secret because I didn’t want the truth to hurt my family. I thought I could shoulder all of it myself to spare the people I cared about. I did myself an injustice by doing so. I should’ve realized that the people I care about cared about me just the same. I should’ve given them the opportunity to be there and fix things. I didn’t though. Those are some of the trust issues I’ve been forced into. I still do it. It’s another reason this is hard for me to write. I don’t want them to know I’ve been affected, yet they will read this and understand.

I have no choice any more. I will wake up and regret writing this. I’m sure I will. But I need to write about it. It’s part of moving forward. It’s part of getting over my trust issues. It’s part of growing. Yet the only thing I feel like doing is apologizing for it. It’s past time though. It’s time to grow up. It’s time to admit. It’s time to release.

I hope that anybody reading this dealing with similar issues can glean some insight. Or at least know that they aren’t alone. That it’s hard. And it fucking sucks. And it will hurt a hell of a lot but in the end, it will be worth it.

I refuse to relent any more of myself to my past. I refuse to let any thing else be taken from me. Ever.

The journey through this is far from over. But this is a big step in the right direction. I hope it is at least. Time will tell.