I titled this for a reason. I truly dont know where to start. Those of you who have followed my previous posts or know me personally know a good bit about what Ive been through. But Ive kept a good bit of that secret.
For so long I let what happened when I was a child dictate my entire life. My feelings, my relationships, certain friendships, and even my relationships with family. I have major trust issues. I have emotions that I can’t place. And an everlasting fear that will never go away.
I remember the first time I truly started to feel like an adult woman. I was making friends, I was in a healthy relationship with a man who understood me and wanted to grow together. I was in a place with my family that I finally allowed myself to be. I say this in the context that after my childhood, I had always shied away from letting myself really be a part of that family. It wasn’t their fault. It wasn’t mine. It was my abusers. He taught me that I would never fit in. They would never understand me. It was because of who I was that drew him towards the abuse he showed me. Every time, every little thing, reminded me of him and his words and that I would never be enough. So I taught myself that I didn’t need to be enough. I didn’t need to fit in. I didn’t need that family that tried so hard to be there for me.
And then I grew. And I learned. I learned that he was manipulative and narcissistic and wrong and abusive. And that as a young girl I was manipulated and that none of what I had known my entire life was real. I had to start over. Do you know how impossible that is? When most of your life is spent knowing without a doubt one thing and then having to relearn an entirely different thing? That people do care? That people do love you? And that maybe its your own head, your own heart, your own mislearned habits that have kept you from the family you always needed that was in actuality always there for you?
Fast forward. I was finally learning. I was finally growing. I was 25. The healthy relationship I was in ended mutually because as it turns out, no matter what age you are, you still need to learn. There I was, at a bar. I was with friends. I hadn’t had a drop of alcohol. I ordered a cheeseburger and a coke. Something felt off. I didn’t feel right. I stumbled. I realized I had been drugged. I asked somebody I thought was a friend for a ride home. I woke up to my apartment destroyed from my attempts to fight him off, to him on top of me, laughing the entire time. He went so far as to clean up the glass I had broken as I had stumbled through my living room into my bedroom in an attempt to lock him out. I will always remember his laugh. I will also always remember his message the next day laughing at what he had done. Laughing as he invited me to a barbecue because he felt he should since we had “hooked up” the night before.
I will also remember when I talked to detectives and they laughed in my face. They informed me they had had 8 other women within the year report him. They told me it was my word against his and told me I was wasting my time.
I will also never forget this past August. This past August when I went to a pool party at my apartment complex with a bunch of people I thought I knew. I will never forget that I left early because I felt uncomfortable. I will never forget that at no point did I mention anything along the lines of “knock on the door if you need anything.” Or “Im home all day, let yourself in.”
I will also never forget waking up to a foreign body on top of me and having to physically fight my way towards my lamp just to find out who exactly it was that had broken into my apartment.
My best friend who is a rock star left a gig that she was singing at to come and sit with me as I talked to detectives. As I had to relive every awful detail…again… for so many times in my life. I knew his name. I knew his face. I knew what he had just ruined with the guy that I had recently been seeing because I knew immediately that I wasn’t and wouldn’t be ok for a long long time.
The detectives sat there and took evidence. The clothes he left behind. My bedding. They said and I quote “Well we can prove he was here and the lock was fiddled with so at most we can get him on breaking and entering but probably nothing else,” because I had taken sleeping pill. Sleeping pills I was already taking because of the previous trauma I had been through. Apparently the state of Louisiana cares more about my property than they ever will my person. That became abundantly clear. Did I mention they also have text messages from him laughing about and admitting what he did? Did I mention that my best guy friend beat the hell out of him while he was on video blatantly saying “I know I raped her.”
You know what else I won’t ever forget? Facebook. Social media. I see him living his best life while I suffer in (until now) silence. I won’t forget the people I see now laughing and cutting up and making rape jokes.
Jefferey Epstein was found dead a couple of days ago. If you believe he killed himself you’re delusional. But I see so many people saying one side of politics or the other are responsible. Who the fuck cares? Do you know what I see? As a victim? That you would rather stand up for your preferred political party and place blame than acknowledging that sooooo many people in power are responsible. How many young girls suffered? Suffered in silence like I have? Why aren’t you blasting any and every body that was implicated? Why even choose sides at all? That says to me that you are small and you care only about yourself and your own needs.
You know what else I see? Women of all ages blasting feminism. You must not know what feminism means these days. And for your info, we need a lot more of it. Feminism to me and by definition is equality between men and women. It means that I dont belong to anybody but myself. It means that I have a right to vote and speak out as Im doing now. As Ive been too afraid to do until now.
Feminism to me means not having to listen to a female hollywood producer (one I know personally) blast the “Me too” movement because her friends had been implicated. You need better friends sweetheart.
I see social media posts that generation z criticizes my own generation because we want want want. Let me tell you why want and what we want. We want freedom. We want a voice. We want equality. We want healthcare. We want to be able to support ourselves and possibly a family working one full time job. We want an end to capitalism. We want to fix what previous generations have broken. We want to support a government that did not steal a trillion dollars from social security. We want a government that doesn’t support for profit wars that make our taxes sky rocket. We want CEOs held accountable for jacking up the prices of life saving medications. We want to not be victims anymore but damn it if we are, I dont want to be told, like I was the last time I was attacked, that if I wanted to go to the hospital Id be looking at at least a $2500 bill that I can’t hold my attacker accountable for.
Im tired. In fact Im exhausted. In my current home state (moving at the end of September) less than 2% of assailants are convicted. Even with undeniable proof. Sexual assault of any kind is one of the only crimes that the perpetrator can “justify” it. She was asking for it. Her clothes, her level of intoxication, she was pretty, she was a DEFENSELESS CHILD, all hold up in court.
I got a DUI in October. I was so fucked up from my latest attack that all I did was drink. I hadn’t had a drink in 6 hours before I drove. The same state trooper that arrested me three years ago for the legal limit arrested me again on the three year anniversary and laughed in my face even after I passed the field sobriety test. All I could do as I sat in jail was think about that all 3 of my assailants had walked free of any and all consequence and yet I was the one in jail.
My life has never been my own. I am about to be 32. My life Has never..never been my own. My counselor says Ive been robbed and theres no way to get that time back. All Im left with is fighting and moving forward. And I intend to. I will fight until my last breath to tell my truth and fight until I can’t anymore in hopes this never happens to any one ever again. Maybe Im fighting a losing battle. But God damn it. Fight with me. Dont make me fight alone.